Change

I'm announcing my heartbreak in this world

I feel barricaded and alien.

Unfolding pride, like a weak fibre.

My mind is heavy and weighing me down.

The memory of love invades me. 

I am destroyed in a world of privilege.

Climb

Loving myself, is an act of love,
The decisions I make, is an act of love,
The 5 year version of myself, is an act of love,

I have looked deeply and intently on my life,
Questioning this act of love, Only to return,
To love itself.
Why does it matter?
Fire matters, Breathing matters,
Time matters.
Respect matters.

Climb a mountain with me.

Chester

Tired of being what you want me to be.

I've become so numb,

You raised me, 

Made me feel at home,

Made me scream,

Made me say FUCK YOU.

Made me believe 

Made me breathe.

Made me walk away.

Made me question,

Made me belong.

Made me grow,

Made me love life:

Music

Poetry

..and Art

I've put my trust in you.

RIP CB.

 

Echo in the well of silence.

I am tracking my existence,

the blatancy of self.

The failed dreams.

Hurt and pain I've caused.

Like cancer.

To only echo this pain,

Continuously,

and devastate life.

Love bites.

I wear this crown of thorns.

Pushing and pulling,

Give and take,

Love and hate,

I rise above.

The mistakes I have made.

I see the sun,

I hide the moon,

I find a way,

To heal a liars chair.

I want to love myself,

I want to forgive.

But, I will let you down.

I will let me down.

I am letting it all down.

My three

I have surrendered
I have let you down
I have tried
I have never loved more

Tailyn, Connor, Lukah.

You have changed me
Lifted me up,
Made me believe..
I have never loved more

My three.
Be the world beyond my expectations.

Make me proud.

To my wife

I have deepened my understanding of life

To find you, broke everything apart.

To love you.

Teach me.

I have drowned in my reality,

Strengthened my belief, let go

To love you.

Teach me.

I have questioned every

possibility.

I have fallen deeply in love.

Again with you

Again and again and again

Teach me.

I have surrendered to this,

The obvious unicorn.

The willingness of bowing,

I love you.

I am not real yet.

Drowning here in your love.

Hold me.

Just hold me Jess.

If I am to ever marry you.

Let me have it now.

Will you marry me?

Perspective

I never had one of your children,
But I would kill for them.

Falling in love with you was
falling and
falling and
falling and

Waking up in this world with you
Jessica
It feels magical.
You are magical.

I am beneath you
As I rise in love
As I fall beyond
Kiss me.

I have loved you
from my very
first beginning.

I never had one of your children
But I would kill for them.

Finding my unknown

Wider than I can see
Is closer than I can know
and before this shock
I will bury myself in lies
and cast these unknown lashes

hopefully on those like me.

Softer than anything
I have touched
I hang my coat on everything
heart, soul and still feel underserving
as this mind races dangerously

to help those like me.

For me

Here I sit. As this glorious sun sets.
On my old life, just like that.
I anxiously wait for the new sun
Perhaps not today or tomorrow
or within the cycle of the new moon.

Until then I am wandering gratefully. 

Simply everything.

6:41 am.
I'm crossing this line.
Back and forth.
How to live.
How to love.
How to forgive.
Flooded in soul,
Balancing fears,
Finding triumph.

Simply everything,
Simply every, single, thing
Evolves in love. 

Until death do us part

Within my two lungs it was released,
the breath that passed from her to me.
First the steady truth of love unleashed,
and then my soul to be.

Beside my skin and bone I scattered
the split seconds of my life.
I kissed the ground that mattered
to make her my wife.

All frowns toiled and cursed
their narrow sense of sight,
soulless hunger and thirst
to fuel a one woman fight. 

A fierce march into the fire.
An armour made out of heart.
A bullet built in desire.
Until death do us part.

The state of loss poem

You can't take back what you have taken away

Loving you while losing you

2 Lives

There will be no life without death,
No beauty without horror.
Through you I arrived,
Through losing you I arrived again.
What a gift.
2 Lives.

My beautiful strength

I screamed with such anger-

"Where are you!?"
"Where are you!?"
"Where are you!?"

I heard a voice, it was not my own-

"I've been here all the time..."

I transformed,
like I always do.

The state of loss

I came and I left
I was here nowhere
I was there somewhere
I was high afraid
I was safe unknowing
I was internal alone
I was proud within
I was empty at day
I was sober by morning
I was not here again

My life certainty

You, in a fraction of a moment,
will keep my soul a furnace.

Sombre

Japan,

I am grey
beat
hit
and undeserving.

Untitled

Here is my heart of hearts

lost in torment

by your exquisite all

sworn in love.

Here is my truth of truths

written in wind

through your wings

and blood.

Here is my end of ends

in the warmth of you

with one single beat

coming home.

Last whisper

In my trial of breath

you slip further

"Thank you"

For your blood that is mine

(and your testimony of me)

Dad

I cant escape him for
when I speak he speaks
and when I smile he
smiles.

And the colour and shape
of my eyes are his
eyes and my tattoos
are his frown.

Each and every tear
is made up of his tears
and as they break my
burning heart they
Bring me closer.

To the many sweet
memories that make
up the experience of
my all.

Holding on and on
as everything starts
disappearing with my
life as I knew it.

I feel one constant thing-
That I have never loved anything more.

This time of the year

How refreshing.
The presence of this
autumns day, which I only
finally noticed.

I know I have missed
the already fallen leaves.
And their several stages
of impeccable colour.

I can not explain my
lateness or the reason
why I waited for an invitation
that never sent.

I am smiling deeply,
arriving in Autumn...

Untitled

Yes, I burn

but yes I love

and how I love

enough to listen

and to burst.

First, its you and her...

and then us.

She holds me

She is within me.

She smiles.

I am taken.

The dreamer

All year round

we wait to see the perfect sky,

and her dripping milk.

And how she lands

in countless unique shapes.

Mostly seen as stars

Brighter, brighter

than light.

And in a lash

darker, darker than all

and everything goes black at once

and the snowmen melt

leaving only patches

of greener grass.

Every part, I love.

In a moment I can hold

the truth of your fragility.

I measure this

always, only by petals,

As there are none I have

carried, more soft, more weightless

more colourful.

Should the day come

that you arrive as

something harder.

I will search my hands

for your unchosen parts.

As it is those, the ashamed,

the torn and unstudied.

That present truth to the entire.

No. 1

I know when I walk, I truly look.
Not at any passer by, but the passing through.
I am constant here.
Forget what should get done,
or the daily plans never seen through.
My days are longer than years
and I travel further than mars.
I stand in the middle of London
with arms wider than any, swallowing everything.
Until she greets me in her red dress
Singing beauty taller than any tulip.
These days,
I am more constant here.

And so I ask you...

I sit today watching closely out my window-

the death of winter.

No longer can I hold my breath over her bare trees or

sharpen my eyes before her grey and black contrast.

And now spring no longer in the distance.

Everything is pushing outwards,

Colour is more fierce than fire.

...what else really matters?

Spring flame

Like spice to wind,

I'm covered.

Or gold dust,

Im covered.

You blow left,

I'm covered.

You blow right,

I'm covered.

Like fire to wind,

I'm wild.

Why I write...

Look up.

I have lost.
Almost everything.
For nothing other.
Than something.
That is no thing.
I can wear.
Eat or hold.

And so I start to gather the world.

Cradle you

For some reason I can not bear

The thick sky that does not open enough

For you.

Never before have I wished to be the wind.

That chill that cuts us in two.

But I would for you.

I would soar to that height you can not reach

blow the clouds with my small mouth, This is true-

My sun will cradle you.

You have come a long, long way

You have come a long, long way

to see this day.

to witness its unforeseen light,

finally unburied-

for only you, my love.

Fear not the way this harsh wind

lifts you upwards

Or what you cannot carry any longer.

What is left behind, can be found

in your heart. Or mine.

Let us search

To reach another long, long way

Until the light of this day

no longer shines downwards

and a new wind rushes, unexpected.

Short & Sweet

I am the blue spread thin
across this sky.
I am again the love student.

Ocean deep

She revels in the deepest part of the ocean
With her back against the sand bed
her eyes lost to any colour
there are no fish
and the tides do not carry her arms

Every ship passes above her
Eager to reach the inevitable
Their course shifts her, tumbles her
she is devoted
to their dance

She has chosen a different stroke
against the waves, beneath the sharks
she is coming up for air
to the ripple and sun
to her life undone.

Love Song

Silent on the bus,
I am looking out,
looking in.
These passers by.

Each face like a rose.
Distinct colour, perfect form,
A future, a past
Demonstrating unique grace.

In this moment of love
I can see an ocean in London
It pushes and pulls
In harmonious rhythm

I am the bird of peace
With aching wings for everything
and everyone.
Singing a love song for all things.

Perfect Winters Night

How she lay,
with skin more beautiful than the snow
she rested apon.
The only colour within miles
were her red roses
that I traced over again,
and now can not forget.
I could of witnessed this grace
Until the season of sun,
and blue butterflies.
I could of stayed lost in that winters night
to which now I surrender, entwined!

This State of Being

Only here can I see,
How the sun rests on the trees,
and how it catches the wing of the bird
that I heard so clearly this morning.
Only here I awake,
gently inside. And blossom furiously
like the new river and her enchanting lily.
Everything here feels immaculate.
Only here I love,
that man, and the woman he beats.
and the scars that cover her face.
Only here I love you.

Yes, everything!

Unconditional

I am the rider,
I am between the valleys
and down the hills.
I am looking out-
to scared to look in!

I have been riding for years,
looking for her...
I go to Kings Cross-
and wait for hours,
I travel on.

I hit heavy clouds,
and pounding rain.
I am thrown on wet roads...
I get up!
I am back on this journey.

I hear the music in my head,
the million love notes.
I hear her voice.
I have to carry on.
"To find her purpose"

The roads reflect her story
and I am chasing words.
It can not end here!
One more turn,
One more stretch!

I can see her...
standing on the highest cliff,
her arms are stretched
and mine are afraid.
Will I make it to her?

I get only to her footprints-
to her scent and smile.
I am not the rider now...
I am the follower
left only in witness.

I stand at the last place she did,
and I watch
the bird of my life fly.
I love she does not belong to me
but only to herself.

After all, I only came this far
To see one thing-
my love, my heart, made true
in her wings
and flight.

The sweetest goodbye

I loved her so much -
that I wanted to lay my heart to rest in a poem
This is not to say I won't live
But now with a new heart
and a new set of eyes
for everything beautiful
I am yet to see
without her.

Let me help you.

One more step sweety.
That's right...
one foot after the other,
there you go,
nice and easy,
Almost there...
Good girl.

Now jump!

Wine ringlets

How they started
in clutching hands
and bleeding hearts.
One over the other
Like a perfect kiss.
Now the light
back in one set of eyes.
and love, love, love
before a sweet goodbye
and a hollow shatter.
Oh the ache
of these wine ringlets
staining this once perfect
red table.

After I swallow you

I spotted you three times in Soho,
and later in my dreams.
I was on your bed, I was in your sea.
Treading water again it seems.

I chewed on those rose lips,
and devoured that pert mouth.
I swallowed your tasty pledge,
and now I'm full on doubt.

Now, one breath too short,
catching butterflies in a fist.
I am running leaves above my head,
reciting your every twist.

Your early sentiment wakes me,
I find it upside down.
It throws me twice against the wall,
To hear those breaking sounds.

But all I need are fingertips,
to dial that one last call.
And remind these bleeding limbs of mine,
You are never worth the fall.

The eventual motive

First the door
and then an aching floor,
I am upstairs listening
clutching sheets.
The wind brings her in -
and she resonates before my bed
A slice, A slash
then the wetness of blood,
my blood,
on her mouth
and in her eyes.

First the tap
and then running water
to wash her hands clean.

Without wires

Where do I start?

Which piece fits with which?

Where are the instructions?

and tell me, will it ever look the same?

and what about breathing?

Do these simple things get easier?

and will I ever hear music,

or see the stargazer the same?

Do I use glue? Would that last forever?

Could I do this alone?

Does the window have to be open?

Is she watching?

you see, I can still hear the songbird-

When will she fly?

Or do I just stand here forever?

plugging wires with my eyes?

With me

It's 7:30pm and I'm moving already
back and forth to the
curl and song of the wind
and my body, like jesus
stretched and waiting
pressing and pulling.
for just a while.

before I
feed myself
or watch a film
perhaps some poetry
and a long bathe in this complete

and then later to set sail again.

Morning fall

At first the crow to get them started
and then soft steps,
Whistling water
Coffee, perfect coffee.
Now the right song
and back between sheets.
A body crack
A leaf from Autumn
A scrambling search,
for which belongs to who
before the boots go on
or the phone rings.
Inseperable lips
and the longing starts
before even the door,
and it follows my day
so carefully.

A lovers heart

Tonight I am soft
Under this whaling sky.
My hands are trailing my skin,
Tracing every choice
and I am emerging
boldly and broken.

Tonight you are fighting

what I left for you in the sky
You have lost your breath
on every question,
and your heart
on the answers.
and now off your knees
you are ready.

The end has come
without warning.
I can not even leave a note
for you to understand
the very harsh
and beautiful

and ofcourse, the love.

Untitled

I could never really have known,
As I stood with both feet stuck,
and just a door between me and
everything

I did not expect to feel a dream,
so long imagined
that felt so pure
and inexcusably necessary

It did not occur to me
that the promise song
was going to become
exactly what it was.

Nothing could have prepared me
for what waited behind that door
nor could it repair me
from this desperate ruin.

This day.

If you wake under a new born moon tomorrow
Will you notice not just the task but how your
heart belongs to everything and nothing?

would it seem senseless to walk through this
day differently even if it meant tasting
water with a new mouth?

and if the night fell without shades,
would you be fearless in the dark
with only those voices left
you were never sure about?

Would it be enough to have just this day?

And will you find the end of the world like this?

Shedding skin

Do not watch beyond this hour.
when the night arrows me down
and I am faced inwards
with my back split open
and every secret bleeding out.

Do not come find me
twisted around flesh
With bones in my hands
and a heart desperate
to see the next sun.

Do not question me
For my invisible companions
that sing their rain prayers within.

Do not forget who I am
Whilst I shed skin.

Magpies

The magpies have come
in a flock of greed
to gather your shine.

Piece by piece
you are undressed
of your jewels.

They bury their beaks
into the scatter of you
and battle into the dark
for your claim.

Into the servant night they flee
like spilt black ink
Swallowing up the night
With insidious light.

Tiny woman, big moment.

I do not live under a tree.
I do not float between clouds.
I am not fallen like the raindrop
nor am I spread like the sun.
I am not as vast as grass.
I can not reach like water.
I am not solid like ground
or infinite like stars...

This is my life!

Wrapped in fabric.
In need of air.
Desperate for warmth.
Feeding on water.
Believing in gravity.
Praising trees
Below the clouds
through hopeful lyrics.

The meeting

Hidden in the grass
you could not have seen me.
Fallen to the ground
with fragile knees
crawling deaths stride.

Ever facing the sun
I could not have imagined this-
You, coated in summer
with enchanting wings
painting life colourful.

The trees could not explain
my love easy tears
that dripped beauty
and composed my rivers wild.

The world could not move
in that one completing moment,
that my eyes
introduced my heart to...
the butterfly.

Sunflower

There you are, finally.
Unfolding petal by petal
Amongst the breath and thorn,
Presenting your miracle.

Humble now
in the hills of the unknown.
You are alive
In an unforgiving landscape.

Challenged by the wind
Pulled by the moon
In love with the sun
You are choosing life.

Oh, bold flower of this world
You are changing more than you
Can ever know.

Last night

Here I am again,
Lying on our bed
watching you
trail light around the room.
With your head perfectly tilted
and your lips in my centre
I elevate.
Every part of you circles me
in precise rotation, like glitter
caught behind your wings.
My body is at the surrender
of your voice.
I am above stars.
I am unfolding years.
In tiny pieces I ask you
What makes it possible
That my heart is able to breach love
whilst watching you
undress for bed.

Dreamland

Every day I fall into you
like a dying raindrop.
Lost.
Scrambling to find where I went to.
Struggling to understand what I once was.

Every night I drift passed you, unannounced
like a cloud misplaced.
Hoping to catch your eye so I can
reflect your beauty and not have to
face my own.

Every word I write, fumbles
disorientated.
Eager to settle on a yes or no
and answer -
at least one of my cold questions.

The dandelion

If you walk to the end of your porch
spread your arms in width
arch your chest toward the sun,
and open your eyes
You may catch a glimpse
Of the last dandelion.

Between the burnt grass
and below the hill
Caught by viscous winds.
Beaten from side to side.
Bleeding seeds
of blinding beauty.

Swept and consumed by the vast
Your eye could never tell,
where the dandelion fell.
or why it performed its death
above your frown.